A heart at rest

I was led to a tiny private waiting area with two chairs, a television playing HGTV (of course), and a People magazine.  Still wearing the standard-issued red hospital gown for mammogram appointments, I wrapped it tightly over my chest and took a seat after being told I’d be called back shortly.

A few days earlier, I’d gone in for my regular appointment and then went about my day, thinking nothing of it. Hours later, I received a notification that a new message was waiting for me in my MyChart medical portal. An abnormality had been flagged in my initial scan, and a follow-up scan was now required. Shortly after, I received a call confirming that message and made a follow-up appointment for that Friday. 

Now there I was, after a second abnormal scan, awaiting the ultrasound they scheduled for now rather than later. Admittedly, my palms were a little sweaty and my heart rate elevated. I felt vulnerable and uneasy. 

It just so happened that all that week, Cynthia and I had been neck deep in preparing for a new retreat we would give that Saturday at St. Luke’s Orthodox Church in Palos Hills, Il. Fresh in my mind were book passages and scripture verses on detaching from scattered and noisy thoughts and abiding in the stillness of one’s heart. This one passage from “The Inner Kingdom” by Bishop Kallistos Ware stood out especially:

Instead of fighting our thoughts directly and attempting to drive them out by an effort of will, we can seek to direct our attention away from them and to look elsewhere. Our spiritual strategy in this way becomes positive instead of negative; our immediate objective is not to empty our mind of what is evil but rather to fill it with what is good. 

I could feel the waves of anxiety beginning to churn, waves I so often allow to gain momentum and grow fiercer and stronger by attempting to eradicate them by a sheer force of will only to be sucked deeper and deeper into the turbulence.  

Pause, don’t touch them, I reminded myself. Turn gently in the opposite direction.  Breathe, be still, choose gratitude:

Thank you that I was able to get these follow-up tests done all at once rather than drawing this out over several days

Thank you for the warmth and kindness of the nurse taking care of me

Thank you for this opportunity to work on trust and detachment, knowing that the acquisition of peace requires practice

Thank you that in unforeseen events, I can trust that all are sent by You for my ultimate good 

I imagined descending beneath the tumultuousness of my earthly cares and finding rest in the calm and quiet of deeper waters. Thy will be done, I repeated softly and slowly until my body relaxed, I’d returned to the present moment, and my gaze shifted towards Light. 

I remained in that prayerful state of calm throughout the ultrasound and my wait for answers and results. Finally, the nurse reappeared with a message from the doctor that, after careful analysis, they determined the abnormalities to be benign calcifications requiring no further testing. 

I was relieved, most certainly, but even more than that just so incredibly grateful for my Orthodox faith and her ancient prescriptions for soothing my inner turmoil. Through attentiveness and vigilance, and a mind fixed on the Kingdom of Heaven, I can remain rooted in calm and hope throughout the ever-changing circumstances of my day-to-day life. 

A heart at rest is one that can be guided and comforted by the Holy Spirit; it can listen, love, and patiently endure each uncertainty and trial. 

Are you feeling anxious and overwhelmed today? Dear one, come back to the here and now, through stillness extricate yourself from your noisy thoughts and passions, breathe in Christ and exhale gratitude. Seek peace and pursue it above all else.