Say Less

“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them”

- Thomas Merton, No Man is an Island

Although my four children now range in age from 20 to 27, I still feel like a perpetual new mother. Each stage of parenting is uniquely challenging, humbling, and enlightening. It’s hard to release old patterns and pivot to new ones as babies evolve into toddlers, then kids, then teenagers, then adults. Learning to let go can be messy. My maternal instincts can easily default to overdoing, i.e., fixing, offering unsolicited advice, worrying, and rising and falling on my adult children’s highs and lows. 

A few years ago, when one of my precious people was living at home and going through a very challenging period, I asked for feedback: “How can I best support you right now? Tell me honestly what is helping and what isn’t?” I genuinely wanted to know, and he provided me with some invaluable insights. He assured me that he knew I loved him and was very concerned about his well-being, but that my numerous “pep talks,” in which I would express my position one way, then another way, then a third way, were increasing his stress. I was using my words as a means of control instead of listening to understand. He needed space to learn, grow, heal, and figure out for himself his own path forward.  

I took that feedback to heart and recognized in myself my own discomfort with allowing journeys and conversations to unfold without me catastrophizing or jumping in to offer solutions and my own unasked for perspectives.  I had to confront my mistaken belief that I always know what is best for my adult sons and daughters. I needed to repent of often allowing my ego to dictate my ideals and expectations.  I reflected on how micromanaging my loved ones impedes their growth, strains our relationship, steals my peace, and prevents me from tending to my own inner garden. I prayed fervently for God to meet my kids where they're at, and work everything out for good—not according to my preferred timing, but His. 

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply."

- Stephen R. Covey

In my life coaching program, these new insights were supported and expanded upon by a myriad of tools, resources, and studies demonstrating how active listening and strategic questioning can help clients achieve clarity, harness their strengths, and overcome obstacles on their own. It takes focus and patience to lay aside your own agenda and listen to what is behind the words- reflecting back what was said and the emotions observed to enable someone to hear themselves more clearly and discover within themselves important lessons and realizations.  I cannot tell you how many times just being heard and understood was enough to get me back on my feet and unstuck from my own paralysis.  

“This is why, in a nutshell, advice is overrated. I can tell you something, and it’s got a limited chance of making its way into your brain’s hippocampus, the region that encodes memory. If I can ask you a question and you generate the answer yourself, the odds increase substantially.”

- Michael Bungay Stanier, The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever 

I’m far from perfect at saying less and asking more, but I am actively practicing and improving my attentiveness skills. I'm leaning into gratitude, restraint, and hope, entrusting the bodies, minds, souls, and life paths of my adult kids to God's mysterious wisdom and mercy. Recently, I went for a walk with my daughter and set my intention to detach in an emotionally healthy way. I aimed to give her space to express herself without inserting my own thoughts unless I was asked to, and to set aside all mental distractions so I could be fully present for her. I was amazed by how much she shared openly and how much more peaceful I felt throughout our conversation when my only goal was to actively listen rather than to influence her choices or solve her problems. 

“Young adults long for someone to be curious about them, to draw them out and to try and connect deeply through good questions.”

- Heather Holleman, “The Six Conversations: Pathways to Connecting in an Age of Isolation and Incivility” 

The more I discover about and personally experience the healing power of compassionate attentiveness, the more inspired I am to treat every interaction as an opportunity for meaningful connection. With loving curiosity grounded in humility, I approach others as a learner rather than a judge. This mindset opens doors, builds bridges, and brings out the best in everyone.